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Chew Eng HanMrs Light n Friends provided this insightful report to what Chew Eng Han said in court on Thursday, the 29th of January, 2015:

Mrs Light n Friends writes,

29 Jan 2015 – Eng Han EIC (PM session) – Spiritual Journal

Before he ended his examination-in-chief this afternoon, Mr Chew Eng Han presented one last exhibit — a spiritual journal detailing his period of depression as he and his family faced a series of trials from 2006 to 2009.

Chew was prompted in February 2009 to write a spiritual journal of the depression period that he went through.

Chew Eng Han’s spiritual journal

From darkness to light

One day as I was praying, God spoke to me to prepare for trials to come my way. I was having a good job then, was financially well-off, and was doing great in family life, ministry, physical and emotional health. Then in mid 2006, the first of a series of trials hit us.

My wife was taking a lift down in her office building after work when suddenly the lift began to shake and there was loud banging noises. She was all alone and began to panic, feeling that the lift was in a freefall. By the time the lift reached the ground floor, it hit the floor with a bang. Then the door opened, and she quickly rushed out in fear. She walked to my car, got in, and broke down. That incident triggered an anxiety disorder in her, and she lost her confidence as well as some of her memory. She became fearful of getting into lifts as well. Through the months, we tried to help her regain confidence, but failed. Then, in December 2006, the next trial began

Inexplicably, my vision in my left eye began to blur. The doctor I visited said it was no cause for concern and would go off, but it became worse by the day, till I had lost about 90 percent of my eyesight. I went to an eye specialist, who found that my retina had torn and dropped down. He told me to prepare for an immediate major operation, or I would risk losing my eyesight in the left eye forever. Without having any time to think, I rushed back home to pack my clothes and rushed back to the hospital to get warded in.

Whilst waiting for the operation, I had no fear and was totally at peace that God would bless the operation. It turned out well, and the doctor declared it a success. I was told to rest for a few months at home, and had to go back for regular reviews. With each visit, my eyesight recovered amazingly fast. I was told that it would take 6 to 12 months to recover, and at best I would regain 60 percent of my eyesight. However, within 6 weeks, I regained almost 100 percent of my eyesight! Through the peace and faith I had in God, I received supernatural healing.

As I just recovered, the next trial happened, in January 2007. My wife Janet fell off a ladder and broke her calcaneum bone at the right ankle. In she went for a major operation, and it turned out successful as the orthopaedic surgeon was able to piece the broken parts together despite the anticipated difficulty.

[Heard in court: “…January 2007, your Honour is the date of the alleged conspiracy, where I allegedly conspired with Kong Hee and the rest to misappropriate funds from the church.”]

She had to go back for regular reviews and each time she had to take a wheelchair and go into a lift. Ironically, that forced her to face her fear of lifts, and she overcame it! But as time progressed, we found that her right leg could still not function as it should. To make matters worse, as she rested at home with a cast in her right leg, her left thigh and calf began to swell and harden. The orthopaedist thought it was just some muscle strain on the left leg, but it became worse by the weeks. By some strange intervention by God, we found out that it was a serious deadly condition called Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT), where the blood in her leg had clotted and the clots had spread all the way from her feet to above waist level. If we had discovered it a little later, the clots would have gone up to her heart and caused death.

It was also a miracle that Janet had survived so many weeks with DVT, as this condition has been know to kill within hours or days. The other miracle was that it actually took an injury on my spinal disc to lead to the discovery of the seriousness of Janet’s condition. I had injured my spine whilst carrying Janet’s wheelchair, and the pain was so excruciating that I could not stand or walk for a week. One day as I was about to go to the physiotherapist, I decided to bring Janet along to see if they could help with the swelling on the leg. When the physiotherapist saw the hardness on her leg, she suspected it was DVT and advised us to go for a medical test.

Led by the Holy Spirit, I decided not to wait another day and took her straight to the hospital. It did turn out to be DVT and she was warded immediately and put on a blood thinning medication called Wafarin. The doctor said her clots had reached all the way to above the waist and she was at high risk.

So here was a situation where Janet was hospitalized, unable to walk with both legs, and I was still suffering pain and struggling to walk as well. One night as I laid in bed, I was feeling so depressed and tired. I slept alone and discouraged. God woke me up and asked me to read Psalms 34. I went through the whole Psalm, and as I reached the last line, God told me to confess it out aloud. I did, and He instructed me to keep repeating it aloud. So I kept saying “No one who trusts in Him shall be condemned” and as I said it, I felt the power of God coming upon me suddenly. Tears flowed profusely, my body trembled, and I began to cough out what I believe was the spirit of condemnation. God had given me a word to deliver me! After that I felt so good, and I thought perhaps my disc problem was healed and I could walk. I got up from bed and tried, but it wasn’t healed. Nevertheless, because of God’s word and deliverance, I had confidence inside my spirit that I would get healed quickly. True enough, within a week or so, I could walk again after religiously doing the exercises that the physiotherapist had recommended.

[Heard in court: “On the third line of the third paragraph, I said: ‘I was feeling so depressed and tired. I slept alone and discouraged.’ By now, your Honour, this is about April 2007, three months after the alleged conspiracy began.”]

Janet’s DVT was under control by the medication, but my April 2007, she was still unable to use either her right or left leg. Both were weak and non functional. She began to slide into depression as she had been incapacitated at home for months by now.

Benny Hinn was coming to minister at the Indoor Stadium, and we believed that God would heal her supernaturally. Janet began to fast for her own healing, and on the first night, we went to the healing meeting with expectation for God to move. Nothing happened that night. We were disappointed, but believed that God would heal her the next night.

At the next night’s meeting, God indeed moved. Whilst Pastor Benny was calling out for various healings, God spoke to Janet to get up to walk. She felt heat rushing all over her body and down to her feet, and turned to me to tell me she could walk. I immediately snapped the pedals off the wheelchair so she could stand unobstructed. She rose up, and immediately started to walk, and walked all the way through the aisle to the stage where she was to testify of her healing. It was a supercharged atmosphere of God’s presence enveloping us, as she walked briskly as if she had been walking all these months. God delivered us once again The afflictions of the righteous are many, but God delivers us out of everyone of them all!

Before we could rest for long, the next trial came. My 17 year old daughter Clair was practicing for cheerleading when she fell and broke her left ankle. It was back to the hospital again. Thankfully, Clair did not develop any complication and recovered much faster than Janet. Before long, she was back on her feet and walking without crutches.

[Heard in court: “This was, by then, probably about June or July 2007. We were close to the Xtron bonds.”]

Then in late 2007 came a crisis of different nature. I had left my job at the bank and started to a fund management business on my own. Besides earning fees from clients, which was not substantive enough, I traded my own capital as well. The infamous sub-prime crisis began to hit financial markets, and the volatiltity and fears sweeping the markets made trading the markets extremely challenging. In the first half of 2007 I had chalked up about $200,000 of trading profits, but as the crisis came, I began to lose everything I had made. To make matters worse, I had money owing from a certain party which by now looked unrecoverable. And I had no longer the stability of a monthly salary which I had been accustomed to my whole working life.

I lost all confidence in my trading abilities, and began to experience anxiety and heaviness. I would have trouble sleeping and wake up each morning with a heavy head and feeling confused and lost in my mind. I went through rounds of deliverance, and began a slow path of recovery. What helped me most was really the word of God. Each day I would look for verses which spoke to me, and I would meditate and confess them till I felt strength returning inside me. The effect would wear off quickly though, and everyday would be a struggle whereby I kept taking up the word and confessing it till I felt better.

[Heard in court: “Not many people knew I was going through depression, your Honour, other than Kong Hee or Tan Ye Peng. And nobody would guess I was going through depression from the way I was continuing to serve the church, doing the Xtron bonds and, later on, the Firna bonds and buying Riverwalk, and then going for Suntec, Toa Payoh stadium, Capitol. I was still in depression.”]

Meanwhile, my trading just stayed bad, and nothing seemed to go right for me. It came to a point where I doubted I would ever be able to trade profitably like I used to. I prayed more and clung to God as much as I knew how to, with the mental confusion that had beset me. I had feelings that kept telling me that God no longer cared for me or loved me, and that He was finished with my life. The fear of being forsaken by God was mixed with anger and feelings of injustice- how could God let me sink to this state when I had served Him and given so much finances into His kingdom? And when I saw others who were less fervent for God and yet prospering, it hurt me even more. My mind went into despair, confusion, anxiety, depression, hopelessness. Each time I just turned to two things- prayer and the word.

[Heard in court: “And this was how I was feeling, your Honour: how could God let me sink to this state when I had served him and given so much finances into his kingdom? I’ve never been a taker; I’ve always been a giver to the church. And, as I have testified over the days, that when I did the Xtron and Firna bonds, it was a ministry to the church and that’s why I never wanted to charge any fees.

I was telling the truth.“]

I got more positive as the months passed. After more than a year, nothing had changed in my business or trading- but I learned to handle the disappointment and anxiety much better. I would tell myself everyday that God loved me and cared for me, and was working all things for my good. I would try my best to continue in ministry- leading the business group, getting the land for the church, doing whatever projects that pastor required of me.

[Heard in court: “Your Honour, this is the Crossover Project. Despite my condition, I put my heart and soul into the land and the Crossover, because I thought these were the two most important things for City Harvest Church.”]

It helped give me a sense of purpose and remind me that God was still using me. And that kept me going for Him and helped my faith stay strong despite the absence of any visible breakthrough.

I know God will take me out of this darkness. His will for me is good, and as my Father, He will ensure my life goes back up again so that I can lead the life of abundance and blessing which He wants for all His children. It seems difficult at times to continue believing Him, but everytime I just make a decision to continue to believe what He says in His Word. That is the only thing that one can cling on to in times when one cannot see His hand. But that is the most important thing in keeping our faith – not His presence, not His hand, but His word. It is so true, faith comes by hearing, and by hearing His word. God is good, God is faithful, and God has a good plan for us all!

Your Honour, all these years, 2007, 2008, 2009, I never thought I was in a conspiracy. I thought God was using me. When I did the land and when I did the Crossover, it gave me a sense of purpose. It reminded me that God was still using me for his Kingdom. I never had bad intentions, to cause loss to the church. Everything I did, I did it for God, and for Kong Hee, who I thought was a man of God.

Your Honour, I’ve finished my EIC.

Source: 29 Jan 2015 – Eng Han EIC (PM session) – Spiritual Journal, Mrs Light n Friends, http://mrslightnfriends.com/29-jan-2015-eng-han-eic-pm-session-spiritual-journal, Published 30/01/2015. (Accessed 30/01/2015.)